Maybe that’s why…?

In one of my classes we’ve been talking about how fear/anxiety drives you. It’s one of the few things I empathize with so deeply. I know what it’s like to live in fear, and to have that drive you. People tell you to just stop living like that; to just be brave. 

I’m not brave though. I haven’t ever been brave. I remember that even when I was younger I was always anxious. I was always planning for what could go wrong. I’m still planning for what can go wrong. Do you want to know my biggest fear though?

I’m afraid that I’m too good at being alone. I am shy, and I don’t tend to start the conversation. I am awkward, and a little bit weird. I push people away because I’ve been hurt so I do what it takes so that I never have to feel the pain of rejection, or loss again. I wish I could change this, but the truth is that I just don’t know how. I’m good at being alone. I’m good at putting on a fake face, and saying that everything is good even though it isn’t. I’m good at embracing the anxiety that people are just pretending to care about me. At a certain point you just get to a point where you are comfortable being alone even though you’re so lonely your heart aches. 

I am not even good at friendships guys. I get exhausted at the thought of constantly having to be “on.” I think that means I may have had the wrong kind of friends in the past because I should be able to just be myself around friends, but I am not there yet. I’m working on it. Relationships are a lot of work. Maybe that’s why I’m alone? 



I saw this picture on, and I wish I knew who made it because it is phenomenal! I feel like they captured the very issue behind someone saying, “i’m fine.” I know that when I say I’m fine I am normally putting on a strong face and trying to repress something. 

My sisters walked into my room tonight to find me a mess, tears rolling down my cheeks, hardly able to catch my breath sobbing. I was tried to tell them not to worry because it was healthy. I know what you’re thinking…How can that be healthy? I have been repressing everything that has happened the last few months because I didn’t have time to be a mess. I internalized everything because I thought it was better for me to handle this on my own. I got to the point where I couldn’t hide the pain anymore tonight. It was so real. I needed to cry. I needed to admit I wasn’t okay because the truth is I am not. 

I don’t know that anyone could be okay after surviving these last few months. I think it’s better to not be okay in this situation. I even think that anger is healthy. GASP* Don’t get me wrong…Lashing out in anger is not okay, and hurting someone because you’re angry is not okay. However, being angry is complexly healthy! It is a normal emotional reaction to a bad situation. You have to decide how you will react in that anger though because you’re going to need a place to put it until you can let go of that anger. 

Remember bitterness hurts you more than it hurts those who’ve caused you harm. I swim, and throw myself into school. I work hard to prove myself. The problem is that I was trying to prove myself better than what was being said about me, but I am not going up against that scale. My worth is not based off rumors, or gossip. My worth is in that I am a child of the ONE TRUE GOD. 

I know this is all over the place and I hope you can take something from this. I want you all to understand it’s okay to feel this way. It’s okay to be a mess. I want you to know that you’re worth is not in those people who are tearing you down everyday. You are worth everything. Don’t let someone tear you apart and make you think differently. 

But for the time being when the pain is heavy, and you don’t understand. You realize you aren’t okay. Remember that it’s okay to not be fine. Image 11-14-15 at 9.32 PM

Break my heart for what breaks yours.

No matter what church I’ve gone to all I hear is how the people of the church want to change the world, but that’s it…It’s all talk. I didn’t want to be like that, and I decided that if I wanted to change the world then I was going to have to get up, and do something. I wasn’t going to talk it out until I’m blue in the face. I saw a need, and I was going to fill it. 

I have gone to two camps for foster kids as you know, and I’ll leave for the third shortly. I’m a little nervous after the last one because it was a rough week. It isn’t me though because if I was doing this on my own then I might as well throw in the towel now. I won’t get far in my own strength. God has called and appointed me to go, and do this work, but he made no promises that it would be easy. I’m ready for whatever that weekend brings me because I know I’m not alone. 

I just hope that if people see people my age changing the world that they’ll be inspired to stop talking, and join in. You can’t ever be prepared for ministry. You can dot your I’s, and cross your T’s, but in the long run you can’t be prepared for what’s going to happen 100% of the time. 

I can almost guaranty that you’ll be emotional drained when you take on ministry in a hands on way. I cried so many times this summer because this world is so broken. It seems I can’t turn it off. *Wipes tears from cheek.* Feel those emotions fully because they are what will fuel you to keep going on the hard days. 

You’ll also be exhausted. You’ll be more tired than you’ve ever been in your life. Do not neglect yourself. Sleep, eat, hydrate, and refill spiritually. It’s also good to goof off sometimes because laughter is the best medicine. 

Ministry of any kind is not for the weak of heart, but rather for those who have had their heart completely broken by the pain they see in this world. I asked God to break my heart for what broke his at the age of 16, and he answered. It’s why I’m always an emotional mess. It’s also why I have a heart full of compassion. I dare you to ask God to do the same for you. “BREAK MY HEART FOR WHAT BREAKS YOURS!”

You deserve more.

You know that moment when you’re waiting for a certain person to text you back, and your heart gives a pitter patter when you get the text? What about when you never get that response? How do you feel? Crushed?  Do you know you know what it’s like to wait to see someone because even though you’re mostly invisible to them? You know secretly that they won’t really see you, but you still wait nonetheless. 

I can only write from the female perspective of this, but I know that guys have to feel this way sometimes too. It is the worst feeling in the world. I just wanted to give some personal, and heartfelt advice because I’m going through this very thing. 

Let me just start by reminding you of your worth. 

You are precious to the King of Kings. He knows every hair on your head, and he calls you by NAME. He loves you without condition. You have a lot to offer, and he has destiny written all over you.  You are not replaceable, and you are not disposable. You are worth more than an occasional hello that sends butterflies through your stomach. Don’t settle. 

I also want to reaffirm that you’re not alone. I know that there are days I feel like I’m losing my mind. I don’t tell anyone because I don’t know what to say that I haven’t already. I told my sister that I was torturing myself the other day, and she told me that I was. She didn’t tell me that it’d get easier because that would be a lie. She simply reminds me of my worth like I did above for you, and that I deserve more than a mostly one sided conversation. You deserve more to. 

God has someone for you. He’s or she’s probably been searching for you for as long as you’ve been searching for him/her. God will bring him/her into your life at just the right moment, and if you haven’t met him/her yet, then trust that there is purpose in that. 

I am currently not texting *insert name here* because I do believe that I am worth more than a mostly one sided conversation. I will continue to be kind, and I would never encourage otherwise, but somedays it’s okay to choose you. It’s okay to put your emotional health first. Say this to yourself “I am a child of the one true King. I have great worth in his eyes. I have destiny written all over me! I am not alone, and I deserve more…” * Insert what you deserve more of, or deserve better than*

I don’t know what you’re more is. Maybe you deserve more time, or conversation, or maybe your relationship is falling apart, and you deserve better in general. Don’t stay in a bad relationship because you feel like you don’t have a choice. You always have a choice, and a say in the matter!  Whatever it is….You deserve more. 

Fight, or flight.

“Don’t pull away. Don’t withdraw.” Someone close to me said this today because when my brain is under an intense amount of stress I pull away from people. If it comes down to a fight or flight mode for me, I am always going to choose flight. I told my best friend that I wished I could just run away today. She said that it might be good that I can’t run away from this right now. It doesn’t take away the flight response though, guys. My heart still wants to run. 

So now I have to learn how to deal with this without running; what do I do when my feet have to stay firmly planted? What happens if I don’t withdraw? I just know that I am going to be okay. Life can hurt real bad in the moment, but it will get better in time. 

My walls are back up though. I don’t know how to tear them down again. It’s just so…Complicated. 

“Shut up, and fix it.”

“If you don’t like your life. Shut up, and fix it.” ~Greys Anatomy 

I was watching the latest episode of Greys when I heard this quote. It stuck. I’ve been tossing it around in my mind for days. If my life is messed up, or isn’t what I think it should look like, aren’t I the one to blame?

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am a control freak. I love being prepared. I love organizing. I don’t like being surprised. I have contingency plans for my contingency plans. What happens when I suddenly can’t control my life? What happens when I can’t predict the next move? 

I hate that feeling. I’m feeling it now. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone because people either have a lot going on in their own lives and I don’t want to bother them, or they seem to always want to one up me with problems. 

So instead of talking about it I have been telling myself, “shut up, and fix it.” 

Can I tell you something? I realize now that I missed the whole point of that quote. See Derek’s mom was trying to remind him that he has a good life, and if running away from it wasn’t making him happy then maybe he should go back to what did before, or what he had before when he was happy. It wasn’t her telling him that he could fix every problem in life. 

We all know there is a time, and a place for sympathy as well as tough love. I should have been giving myself sympathy, but instead I’ve been beating myself down. I’ve been trying to convince myself to just be okay. You can’t though. You can’t just tell your brain not to be anxious. You can’t just convince yourself you aren’t hurt. You can’t always make it logical. Feelings are not logical. 

When it gets this hard in life, you just have to take it one day at a time. You have to breathe through the storms, and hope that the waves will calm soon. You will have days of just holding on to anything that gives you hope, and that’s okay. The worst thing you can do though is to tell yourself, “shut up, and fix it.”

How do you want to be remembered? (Do your words build someone up?)

You know that moment in life where you literally can’t believe that something so incredibly ridiculous just popped out of someones mouth? Yep, that was my night today. Don’t worry, I won’t name names, or point out specifics because I have a filter, and I try to speak in kindness. 

Everything that we do has consequences. 

Think about Snow White (in Once Upon A Time) telling Regina’s mother about her true love and getting him killed. 

Or Emma bringing back Marian from the past, and causing Reginia to lose her true love. 

Words have just as much impact though. 

Words can be used to build someone up or to tear them down. It was a really hard week going without a voice. I couldn’t say what I wanted to aloud, so I had to write it down. I got the chance to crumble up the paper, or delete the message before sending it. It amazed me how many times I deleted things that week. I can’t believe those hurtful words would have come from my mouth. 

I hated going without a voice, and I seriously cried myself to sleep a couple times when the meds hadn’t kicked in and my throat was so swollen, I was in so much pain. I did not enjoy this experience, and I would never want to repeat it, but I am grateful for it teaching me even more about taming my tongue. 

I watch more words even more carefully now, and I don’t always have to insert my opinion about something. I’m learning, slowly….(“BE PATIENT WITH ME, GOD!”) 

But anyhow, I literally walked away tonight feeling hurt that someone would say something so cruel and uncalled for, knowing that it would hurt me. Honestly this person is in a worst place than me. I’m not excusing this kind of behavior, but I’m also not expecting it to change either. 

I’ll just keep watching my words, and hope they show kindness. 

I want people to remember me for being someone who says things in love to build people up. 

How do you want to be remembered?