These moments

I prayed a simple prayer tonight, “teach me to love the season I’m in, God.” Life won’t always be easy, and there will be times that you just want to throw in the towel. There are days when you want to bang your head against the wall in frustration and that’s okay. 

I remember talking to a child at camp a little over a week ago. She was upset about something and I can’t honestly tell you why, but she told me that she hated her counselor. I got down to talk at eye level with this precious little girl and I told her, “you have the right to your feelings. You do not have the right to hurt someone else because of them though.” I can still picture how big her eyes got. She asked me, “you’re saying it’s okay that I’m mad at her?” 

I loved this kid in her honesty. She was probably so used to people telling her not to hate people that my approach to things shocked her. I told her absolutely! We then went to play on the swings. 

Feelings and emotions are such a big part of life. Why should we deny how we’re feeling? Today I’ve been feeling a mix of hurt, frustration, but also some joy. Life isn’t something you can put in a box. You can’t wake up in the morning and know how you’ll feel all day. Thank God that life isn’t black and white like that, right? 

I may have wanted to bang my head against the wall in frustration today but I also find myself to just taking in this moment and wanted to save it. Bethel music playing and spending time with my sisters. I know that these days will come to an end all too soon. We’re getting older and we will all have our own separate lives. We’ll always have this bond but we won’t always have this season of life. I’m not praying for God to help me love everything about my life. I’m just asking him to teach me to love this season. 

I feel like there will still be days that I blurt out that I can’t wait for A B and C because that’s growing up. I just don’t want to rush through these bumps in the road because there uncomfortable only to miss living in the present moment because this moment is so frustratingly good. 


Twenty something.

I have learned a few things about being a twenty something the last year, and a half. I am only 21, so I know I still have a long way of the journey to go, but I want to share this with you because I am all about being honest about what’s going on in my life. 

  1. Twenty somethings aren’t teenagers anymore, but that doesn’t mean we have it all figured out. One of my new favorite sayings is that I still don’t know how to “adult” yet. 
  2. As a twenty something you will face many decisions, and some days it will feel overwhelming, and you’ll wonder how to decide, but you just have to leap. 
  3. Going along with number two. Risks are worth it. I can say this even after my latest risk didn’t pan out, and I was hurt in the process. Risks are part of life, and you have to be daring enough to have it backfire on you. 
  4. Relationships are work. It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship it is. If it’s easy chances are it isn’t worth your time. 
  5. You will have your heart broken. Did you know that friends can break your heart too? I tell people that the risk I talked about earlier didn’t break my heart, but it did leave it bruised, and I didn’t feel like me for weeks. Don’t hide from pain. I would go back, and have my heart bruised all over again. 
  6. Having many friends won’t always save you from loneliness. 
  7. You will have your jams, and it’s totally okay to replay them for hours. Mine is “fight song” by Rachel Platten right now. 
  8. You will overthink some things. I am currently over thinking a friendship of mine. 
  9. Don’t skip the gym. I know you have a million things on your to do list, but even if it means waking up an hour early get your work out in. I hate waking up early guys, but I am still setting my alarm for tomorrow in the early AM because I work 12-9. “JUST DO IT!” -Nike. 
  10. You will make mistakes left, and right. Learn to find the humor in them. You can’t always be serious. 
  11. Be around those who make you smile. Life is hard enough as it is, so if someone makes you happy fight like hell to keep them in your life. 
  12. Eat home cooked meals. I live on the go with my job, and school schedule, but home cooked meals are still the best thing ever. 
  13. It’s okay to leave your laundry in baskets sometimes as long as it’s clean. 
  14. Sweatpants are a gift from God. 
  15. 8AM classes are not for the weak of heart. 
  16. If you have to dig your car out more than once in the snow wherever you’re going probably isn’t worth it. Go find a good book, and curl up under a blanket. 
  17. Buy yourself presents sometimes. You don’t need a reason, but I like to use good grades, or doing something out of my comfort zone. A victory of any kind in life will do. 
  18. Pay your bills on time. 
  19. Don’t let who you are be based off who you’re with. You are an amazing person, and you don’t need anyone else to be that way. Be okay with being alone, and loving yourself. 
  20. Last but not least. We still have a lot to learn. Ask for help when it’s needed, and listen to those who are older than you. They have been where you are. 

He will move that mountain.

Being a leader is more than being in charge. It’s seeing what others don’t see. It’s about stepping in when someone else doesn’t have “it” in them anymore. Leadership is not about bossing someone around, but rather stepping alongside someone, so that they don’t feel alone.  Being a leader has nothing to do with making people afraid of you. *That’s for another blog though.*

I am a horrible liar, but in spite of that I have a good poker face. It’s rare that someone will see that I’m on the edge. I keep a smile even when I am ready to fall apart because I don’t want people to see how tough things can be at times. 

I’ve had my poker face on for weeks. The thing is I told my best friend that I don’t know how to cope when things are going good, and don’t feel shaky because I’m so used to waiting for everything to explode. i’m used to picking up the pieces. I’m used to life being hard. I’m used to fighting, and fighting because I refuse to cave. I refuse to say “Uncle.” She reminded me that she is in that boat scooping out water with me. 

I thought she was the only one in on my secret. I thought she was the only one who could see past my smile, but I was wrong. My supervisor gave me a gift card for gas today, and she told me she wasn’t sure what was left on it, but I could use it when I filled my car next. I got to the gas station and it was the exact amount that it takes to fill the car I drive. I don’t find this a coincidence. She knew how much it would take because I am sure that I mentioned it. She did not know that bills are always stressful, and it’s always a matter of “can I put this off for one more week?”

She saw what I wasn’t saying. She saw that I was stressed, and she couldn’t fix it. She can’t magically make me feel more confident about school, or help me with the fact that I haven’t been sleeping well. She saw that I didn’t have “it” in me anymore. She saw that I really** wanted to call “uncle,” and stepped alongside me to take some of the weight off my shoulders. Now I don’t know that she planned this, but I know that God did. 

God placed this example of the kind of person I hope to be right in my path. He provided a supervisor, and tutor, and friend all in one person. 

I broke down today because I finally gave myself permission to lose it. I realized someone else was taking on some of the weight, so I could afford to step back, and not be okay for a short time. 

God is still on his throne. He is there when were are at our worst, and don’t know what we will do. Don’t doubt that he will move mountains to help you. He will give you what you need, but it’s going to be in his timing. You just have to trust, and believe me when i say that I know how hard that can be. I know when the odds are stacked against you, and you don’t feel like you can take another step, it’s hard to see how he could change things for the good. BUT let me tell you….There is good coming! He will provide. He will move that mountain. 

Don’t miss it!

Be a “hero” at home first. I don’t care what you do, or who you are if your family cannot count on you, then you’ve failed. It’s great to want to do big things, and change the world, but always keep in perspective those who stand behind you. Your dream is a sacrifice for them too!

I have always had big dreams. i’ve wanted to change the world for so long. I will go out of my way to help a stranger any day. I sacrifice whatever I can to help those in need. I constantly push myself with that goal in mind; change the world. 

I let myself lose sight of what was really important though. I get to the point where I am so stressed out about life, and getting the next homework assignment in, and never failing. I forget to take a breath, and enjoy life because it is so precious! 

My sisters are so amazing! I love them to death! I remember so many times last semester they would ask me to do something, and I would tell them I have homework. It’s great to have a good work ethic, but when I looked back at this fall semester I look back with regret. I regretted not being with them more. I regretted the missed laughs, and the missed opportunity to be a part of their lives for those three months. I am only as good as I am because I have some very* fierce girls behind me. 

I guess what I’m saying is…Don’t miss it. 

Life is such a gift, and we miss out when we constantly focus on the “end goal.” We will always have goals. We will always have things we need to change in the world, and life will always be crazy. Be willing to throw off schedules, and lists, and just be with someone. You don’t know when you will not have the chance anymore because life is an undetermined amount of time. 

I am going into the Spring semester with a fresh perspective, and an unhealthy dose of anxiety…But guys… I am determined not to miss it. I want to savor this time of my life, not beg for it to end. 

In the words of Captain Hook from Once Upon A Time “There will always be a crisis.”

It’s okay to be happy. (Once Upon a time spoilers inside! Who else is loving season 4?)

“There is always a crisis.” ~Hook. 

I lead a very busy life, so when I was taking my one hour of peace in my week to watch the Once Upon A Time season premiere, this line took root in my heart, and I let out an “Amen!” There is always going to be, bills due, homework to turn in, tests coming up, and work to be done. If this is your only source of “life.” You aren’t really living, you’re just surviving…And as Anna talks about in episode two “White Out” Surviving is not living. 

I know as a college student sometimes all I can say is “i’m surviving.” I have really struggled this semester, so surviving seemed pretty good until I watched Anna tell David (Prince Charming) that surviving isn’t enough. 

I actually question why I’m happy when that feeling bubbles up inside of me? I try to push it down because I’m scared to think life is good because things can go wrong in an instant. AGAIN “There is always a crisis.” (Hook) 

Do you want to know something? That isn’t then end of that quote. He finishes it with “perhaps you should consider living your life during them; otherwise, you might just miss it.” 

Life is rough. There is always something exploding, but it is your choice, how you react. Don’t push down those feelings of happiness. Don’t tell yourself you can’t feel them because what if life isn’t good for a while after that. IN the words of Henry from Once Upon A Time. 

“Sometimes it’s okay to accept things are good.” ~Henry.

P.S I will be doing a series of blog post on Once Upon A Time as the series moves forward. I love this show, and I love the encouragement I feel from quotes like the ones posted above. If you aren’t interested in this, I will be throwing in some normal blog posts. I will always mark Once Upon A Time spoilers in the title. Thank you to all my faithful readers. *LIke. Comment. Follow. I love hearing from you guys!*

Sorry, that I’ve been MIA. Read below because I just wrote out my update on life. :) :) :) :)

Do you have the old pair of sweatpants that are worn in all all the right areas? You know the ones you wear on your worst days because they are familiar? 

I have a pair of sweatpants that I just described above, and I love them. I was folding them from my basket of clean laundry today, and I just kind of breathed a sigh of relief because even though my life may seem very chaotic; as if it’s spinning out of control, this still remains normal. 

It seems like my whole life is spinning around, and I’m just holding on waiting for life to slow down, so I can catch my breath. I don’t like to complain. I understand my life could be worse than this, and many are dealing with a lot more than I am. I did tell you, as my readers, that I would be honest with you though. 

So here goes. I’m struggling. I’m struggling to juggle everything and I feel like I’m going to drop the ball on something, and it will explode in my face. Can anyone sympathize with this fear? 

It feels like my whole identity right now is being sucked up into school and work. It’s about my grades, and succeeding, well what if I fail? What then? 

I have so many people counting on me to do well, and some days, I just feel like it’s too much pressure. I grew up hearing my mom talking to my dad about how well she was doing in college. She like always got A’s and it never looked like she struggled, and that’s a lot to live up to. 

I mean I know my mom will love me if I don’t get A’s, but I mean it isn’t like she’s going to brag about a C. Ya know? 

I am just kind of praying someone realizes how hard I am trying. I think I’ve studied, and worked almost all my waking hours this week. If I had to sum up my life right now…I would probably say it’s a mess. I am not accepting defeat though, I mean the semester ends in December, right? I’m almost there. I can survive at this pace, right? 😉 

Comment, like, Follow.* I love to hear from you, guys!! I also wouldn’t mind little comments of encouragement. (Hint* hint*)

Thrive, by; Aimee Lojeski. 08-29-2014

So I was spending some time with Jesus today, and this is what came of it. I love the way God speaks to me. I love that he speaks to me where I’m at. It’s like when a parent gets down to a child’s level to talk to them. I needed this reminder tonight. I just love my Jesus! 

SO I hope you like this poem I wrote, from it. 

“I want you to see the big picture. I am big, and you are small. I don’t this to reprimand you, or to hurt you, but to remind you that I WILL FIGHT FOR YOU! 

I see how determined you are to do your best, and to never let anyone down. I see that you want to do this on your own, but where does that leave me? You try so hard, and when you don’t meet the standards that you set, I see how crushed you are. It breaks my heart when I see you get hurt.  

Do you understand that I love you, put together, or a mess? I’m not asking for perfect. You put that on yourself. You don’t have to prove anything to me. I made you, I already know that you have a purpose written over your life. 

Take down your guard, and knock down your walls, and you’ll see that I AM FOR YOU! 

I want to see you trust me enough to just let go. Let go of your need for perfection, and your will to just survive, because child….You were made to thrive!”