Wanted

I am going to tell you about some of the lies that run through someones head while they are battling anxiety. These lies are not something that you can easily silence. It isn’t something where you can just tell yourself the truth and move on. Why am I telling you this? I think people lose their patience with those struggling with anxiety. They want them to just feel better, and from personal experience we’re trying. We’d love to not feel this way even more than you’d like us not to feel this way. 

  • Lie number one

You are a burden. 

I feel this way all the time. I feel like if I tell people how I feel, or I’m honest that people won’t want to be around me because I’m too much to deal with. I hate this feeling. I hate feeling trapped in my own head because I’m too worried to talk to someone about how I am feeling. 

  • Lie number two

This is never going to get better. 

When something goes wrong in my life I worry it to death. I never see a way out or around it. I just worry that I’m always going to be where I am. I worry that things will never change. I worry that my life is always going to be as messy as it is in that moment. 

I’m giving you a glimpse into my day to day thoughts by showing you those two. I am doing this to ask you to be patient with those around you. Don’t just assume someone is weird, annoying, or not worth your time because you don’t know what they live through on a day to day bases. Don’t make them feel like a burden. 

I challenge you during this season to love people with your whole heart, and to love them loudly. I challenge you to find something great about the people in your life that you struggle to love because there is greatness in everyone. I challenge you to make everyone around you feel accepted; wanted even! People matter and it’s time we start showing it. 

These moments

I prayed a simple prayer tonight, “teach me to love the season I’m in, God.” Life won’t always be easy, and there will be times that you just want to throw in the towel. There are days when you want to bang your head against the wall in frustration and that’s okay. 

I remember talking to a child at camp a little over a week ago. She was upset about something and I can’t honestly tell you why, but she told me that she hated her counselor. I got down to talk at eye level with this precious little girl and I told her, “you have the right to your feelings. You do not have the right to hurt someone else because of them though.” I can still picture how big her eyes got. She asked me, “you’re saying it’s okay that I’m mad at her?” 

I loved this kid in her honesty. She was probably so used to people telling her not to hate people that my approach to things shocked her. I told her absolutely! We then went to play on the swings. 

Feelings and emotions are such a big part of life. Why should we deny how we’re feeling? Today I’ve been feeling a mix of hurt, frustration, but also some joy. Life isn’t something you can put in a box. You can’t wake up in the morning and know how you’ll feel all day. Thank God that life isn’t black and white like that, right? 

I may have wanted to bang my head against the wall in frustration today but I also find myself to just taking in this moment and wanted to save it. Bethel music playing and spending time with my sisters. I know that these days will come to an end all too soon. We’re getting older and we will all have our own separate lives. We’ll always have this bond but we won’t always have this season of life. I’m not praying for God to help me love everything about my life. I’m just asking him to teach me to love this season. 

I feel like there will still be days that I blurt out that I can’t wait for A B and C because that’s growing up. I just don’t want to rush through these bumps in the road because there uncomfortable only to miss living in the present moment because this moment is so frustratingly good. 

Real Talk.

I started a different blog post yesterday and I didn’t like what I had written down. I knew that it was honest but it was one of those posts that was so honest that you’re worried about what people will think. I feel like some of what I wrote needs to be shared though because I think it’s important that my readers see me as someone who is “real.” I don’t want to come off as if I have it together because I don’t. 

I’ve had a rough couple of weeks and when people ask how I am I want to tell the truth and say that life is hard and I don’t really know what I’m doing. The thing is I don’t know how to adult in the best way yet. I don’t have all of the answers and most of the time I still call for help with questions that I have. I’ve had a lot of nights of begging God to step in and yet I haven’t always felt him move in situations. I know in my head that God will provide for all of my needs, but sometimes my hurting heart needs to be reminded. 

See the thing is I love Jesus with my whole heart. I gave my life to Jesus at youth group when I was 14 years old and I haven’t ever looked back. It has and always will be the best choice I’ve ever made in my life. I do have days of doubt though. I have days of wondering how God could possibly fix my mess? How could he love this broken person? How does he want me when I can still say that I have doubts? It’s love. Pure unconditional love. I don’t have to hide my feelings, thoughts, or emotions from God because he knows it all. It means that in these real moments when I’ve had bad week on bad week that it’s okay to admit that I’m a bit beaten down. It’s okay to say that I’m tired of trying. God has his arms wide open for me. I’ve been singing, “Don’t let me down. Please don’t let me down…” Jesus has been responding “I’m right here. I’m right here. Come to me…I’ll make your burden light!” I just needed to open my ears to hear it. 

How do you show that you care?

I’ve been staring at this page trying to figure out how to describe what I’m feeling tonight. See some friends of mine had their world shaken up a bit. It was almost like that scene in the Avengers where Tony Stark admits that the team took a hit; everyone had that face. I personally am in a really good place in my life. I feel this sense of peace over my life. Is there things I would change? Sure, but I’m choosing to just let go and let God do what only he can do. What do you do when you’re in a good place, but someone you love is not?

I think as Christians we jump in to give advice about situations when that may not be needed. I think we need to learn to just be there and show love in the best way possible. What does that look like? Today it looked like doing the dishes, and picking up the living room. No on wants to worry about the little things like that on the bad days. 

Don’t rush in. Don’t give advice. Don’t walk away though. People just need to know you care.

Mercy…

I really feel the need to blog about mercy. Someone once said, “Grace is getting what we don’t deserve. Mercy is not getting what we deserve. Justice is getting what we do deserve.” I don’t remember who said that, but it stuck with me. I may be a Christian but I have made mistakes. I have my own past that I have to deal with. Jesus love…COVERS ALL OF THAT. 

There is a Bethel song that starts, “East went looking for West but he couldn’t find him. Guilt went looking for my past but all he found was love.” I believe that when someone comes to Jesus they are like new. I don’t care where they have been, or what they have done. Jesus looks at them with the same love as everyone else. 

I feel like sometimes we get this mentality that our sin isn’t as bad someone else. I don’t think it works that way though. I am just as much in need of Jesus as anyone else. I don’t go to church because I’m whole, but because I’m broken and in need of saving. Jesus has his arms wide open. He meet you running just like the prodigal son’s father met him on the road. I don’t care who you are, what you’ve done. You may feel like God could never love you…But that’s why he sent his son. He paid for my mistakes and yours. My debt is paid in full. Yours is too. Stop trying to pay for something God has already forgiven you for…

Extraordinary

I know that it’s okay to not fit in. I know that it may even be a good thing, but some days being the one who doesn’t fit in can just be…Well hard. I don’t remember ever fitting in. I tell people that I didn’t fit in until I became a bible quizzer but the truth is that even after that I was still the odd one out. I can remember everyone crowding around us to talk to everyone but me…I loved being a bible quizzer, but I’m not sure how many real friends I actually had. You know the ones who didn’t hang out with me because they were friends with someone on my team and I just happened to be around.  

These are the days where I beg God to help me to fit in. God doesn’t work like the Fairy GodMother in Cinderella though, and he isn’t like the Genie in Aladdin. He is; however, a loving father who only wants what is best for me. My best for me, and his best for me aren’t always in line. It’s almost like a tug a war at times. Spoiler alert he always wins. 

See when I stop fighting for what I want I see that he was always right. He loved me enough to make me different because who wants to look around and find they were ordinary their whole lives? God made me to be extraordinary. 

One of my favorite speeches I’ve ever seen was one that Angelina Jolie gave because she talks about being different from a perspective of someone who gets it. She says, “I want to say that when I was little, like Maleficent, I was told that I was different,” continued Jolie. “And I felt out of place—too loud, too full of fire, never good at sitting still, never good at fitting in. And then one day I realized something—something that I hope you all realize. Different is good. When someone tells you that you are different, smile and hold your head up and be proud” (Angelina Jolie) 

Different doesn’t always feel good, but neither does average. I hope that I am never good at sitting still. I hope I am always too loud. I hope that I am always too full of fire. See as much as I pray to fit in on the bad days…I’m proud to be different and I hope I never fit in.

Rest in that.

I was in the shower praying about some things going on in my life. I know this mountain is in front of me. Where is my faith if I can see this mountain in front of me? I was pulled up short with this. I can’t be failing in every area of my life including faith. I wasn’t looking at this from the right perspective though. See faith sees the mountain, but it knows it won’t be there for long. 

I forgot that I have the right to tell that mountain to go dump itself into the sea. I’m under no illusion that this is easy because it takes real faith rooted in trust in God. Trust that He hasn’t failed me, and He isn’t going to start now. 

It’s hard though when you have a bunch of bad things hitting you. I feel like one mountain moves only for me to see another standing there. I guess what I’m saying is that I’m tired of moving mountains. I just want a break. I just need to catch a break. Does this make my faith any less? 

I have to believe that God looks at me like a loving father and just holds me close during this time. He isn’t judging me for needing rest. He’s seen it all. He’s seen every battle that I’ve come up against, so it can’t be a surprise that I’m feeling worn down. I don’t think needing a break makes my faith small. I think that knowing that I need to just rest in my savior’s love take incredible amounts of faith. It takes knowing that he is going to take care of all those mountains for me while I can’t. It means knowing he goes before me in battle. 

So maybe this is just rambling because it’s late, and I am exhausted. I’m just so tired guys. But maybe this is also encouragement to you. If you can’t face another mountain in your life. If you can’t summon up the strength to tell it to move. Take heart…Jesus has this. Rest in that tonight.