Your people…

I’ve never been much of a people person. It isn’t that I don’t enjoy talking to people or being around them, but I’m introverted so I tend to hold back when I’m around people. I’m also shy, and people can be too much to handle at times. I took a step back though this week and realized that I’m surrounded by people who care about me. 

It’s like one day I blinked and I had a village of people who were determined to see me become my best self even if that meant fighting against what I wanted. Isn’t that what we all need from time to time? Someone to tell us that we’re wrong, or that we’re doing ourselves more harm than good. We have days were we need someone to put life into perspective. We need someone to cry on when life isn’t fair because we already know that it isn’t fair so to tell us that again would just make us more upset. 

I would like to say that I hand selected these people that have found their way to being an essential part of my life, but most of the people that I did hand pick didn’t really end up playing a big part in my life. The truth is that I’m not sure I trust myself to find “good” friends after walking away from my best friend a while back. 

The thing about walking away from a seven year friendship is that a decision like that does not come lightly. It’s something that you cry about because you can’t even talk to the person you have told everything to up until that point and time. I remember finding a quiet place to cry and it was the deep kind of sobs that shake your whole body. I didn’t hesitate to cut her out of my life when I realized she was becoming toxic to me, but that doesn’t mean that my heart didn’t break. 

I went through a large season of loss that summer of 2015 as most of you know. I lost my grandpa a few weeks after I told my best friend that I couldn’t be friends with her any longer. I walked into work the day I found out my grandpa had died and I walked past her and even as others hugged me and told me they were sorry she didn’t. It was that point that I knew that I made the right choice…Some things should stay broken. 

I didn’t know how to repair myself after that though. I pushed people away a lot because I was hurting and I didn’t know how to put that pain into words. This blog post is probably the most I’ve opened up about that summer to anyone. 

It’s been over a year since that I day I walked into work and realized that my core friendship was broken and to try and fix it would only cause more harm to myself emotionally. I finally feel like I’m starting to rebuild

These people that are so important in my life. They snuck in without my permission. They planted their feet and refused to move even when I had convinced myself that I didn’t need anyone and I wasn’t being a very good friend to them. They constantly show up when I need them because that’s what your people should do. They should love you at your absolute worst. So if you’re reading this, and you know that you’re one of my “people” in life…I appreciate you. You make my life so much sweeter. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ 

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When will I learn? 

The problem with caring about people is that it also gives them the option to hurt you. It’s easy to tell yourself not to care, but this doesn’t mean anything because the heart wants what the heart wants. 

As a sensitive person I love deeply. People say “just stop caring, or just walk away.” I just stare at them like 😳. 

The truth is I can’t stop caring or walk away even from the people that hurt me again and again. I told my sister today “I forgot that I have the right to be treated like a human and I don’t have to take any emotional abuse from anyone.” 

Let me be very clue if you aren’t interested in being a good friend to me please find the nearest exit because my heart can’t take any more scars. I don’t know how many times your heart can be broken and still recover, but I fear I’m reaching my limit. 

Maybe this is why I’m good at being alone  because people can be really hurtful and I have enough to deal with right now without someone who claims to care about me making it worse. 

If you can’t tell. It’s been a bad day. I’m just kind of tired of fake people. I mean what’s wrong with me? When will I learn to walk away?